How to get Unstuck In a Conflict, from a Seattle and Bellingham Couples Therapist

How to get Unstuck In a Conflict, from a Seattle and Bellingham Couples Therapist

As a queer, postpartum online couples therapist in Seattle, Tacoma, Spokane and Bellingham, the topic I talk most about in my sessions is one that is key to mastering in any conflict: validation. Have you ever found yourself in the middle of a disagreement, feeling like your words are falling on deaf ears? Or perhaps you've been on the receiving end of someone's frustration, wishing they understood where you were coming from? If neither of you are getting validation of your feelings from your partner, you’re going to be unable to truly focus on listening to, connecting with, and understanding each other in a conflict, and therefore you’re going to get stuck. Validating each other’s feelings is key to getting unstuck in any difficult conflict.

What is Validation? A Seattle Couples Counsellor Explains.

So, what exactly is validation? Picture this: you’ve been frustrated about the bottles not being cleaned all day while you’ve been on primary parenting duty, and your partner is supposed to be on house cleaning duty. You’ve taken your deep breathes and sit down to talk about it after the baby has been put down to sleep. You’re nervous about your partner’s reaction, and you practice putting your feelings first in the conflict, just like your Seattle couples therapist taught you. You say, “I’m feeling frustrated and overwhelmed about the bottles not being clean. I’m feeling this way because it really impacts my ability to caretake for the baby smoothly, and I want to know that I can count on my partner.”

Instead of dismissing your feelings or offering a quick fix, your partner nods understandingly and says, "I hear you. It makes sense you’re frustrated about this, because you rely on me to get the bottles clean so that bedtime goes smoothly.” You’re able to take a breath, smile and ask your partner how they are feeling about the situation. You validate the stress and overwhelm they have at work, and how that impacts their time management and therefor their ability to clean the bottles in a timely fashion. You are now able to make space for apologies, and coming up with a new system that better supports both of you. All because feelings and validation were front and center in the conflict.

Validation is simply acknowledging someone's feelings and experiences, letting them know that their emotions are valid and understandable. You don’t have to agree with the specific reality they experienced, but you do have to understand and acknowledge the impact of their reality and feelings on them.

Easy ways to validate your partner, from a Seattle and Bellingham couples therapist:

1. Active Listening: One of the most powerful ways to validate emotions is through active listening. This involves giving the person your full attention, maintaining eye contact, and nodding or providing verbal cues to show that you're engaged and empathetic.

2. Reflective Responses: Reflective responses involve paraphrasing or summarizing the person's feelings to show that you understand them. For example, if someone expresses frustration, you might say, "It sounds like you're really frustrated about the situation, and I can understand that."

3. Empathetic Statements: Express empathy by acknowledging the person's emotions and showing that you care about how they're feeling. Use phrases like, "I can imagine how difficult feeling sad in that situation must have been for you," or "it’s horrible to feel hurt by someone you love, and I know that must really impact you.”

4. Normalize Feelings: Let the person know that their emotions are normal and valid given the circumstances. You might say, "It's completely understandable to feel that way," or "I would feel sad too if I were you."

5. Validation Through Body Language: Non-verbal cues such as nodding, leaning forward, or offering a supportive touch can convey validation and understanding. These gestures can complement your verbal responses and reinforce your empathy.

6. Avoiding Judgment: Refrain from judging or criticizing the person's emotions, even if you don't agree with them. Judgment can invalidate their feelings and create barriers to open communication.

7. Affirmation of Effort: Recognize and affirm the person's efforts to express their emotions or communicate their needs. For example, you might say, "I appreciate you sharing your feelings with me," or "Thank you for being open and honest about how you're feeling."

8. Validation Through Validation: Sometimes, simply acknowledging the emotion itself can be validating. For example, saying "That sounds really difficult" or "That is really hard, and really frustrating" can affirm the person's experience without trying to fix or change it.

9. Sharing Similar Experiences: If appropriate, you can validate the person's emotions by sharing a similar experience of your own. This can help them feel understood and less alone in their feelings. Be wary with this form of validation, however: talking too much about yourself can invalidate your partner’s experience. It’s best to keep it to a simple, “I’ve had a similar experience and also felt the way you’re feeling, so I can really understand that you’re feeling hurt.”

10. Ask Clarifying Questions: Sometimes, asking clarifying questions can show that you're genuinely interested in understanding the person's emotions. For example, you might ask, "Can you tell me more about what you're feeling?" or “what’s the hardest part about this situation for you?”

The next time you’re feeling disconnected or stuck in a conflict, try validating your partner’s feelings about the situation, and ask for the same to be done for you. Take a moment to step into the other person's shoes, recognize their feelings, and watch as the walls between you crumble, leading the way to deeper connection.

Validation is easier said than done! If you and your partner are having a hard time using this communication tool, couples therapy can help couples better talk about the conflicts that keep them stuck in disconnecting conflict cycles. Sometimes, you need just need to practice and a helping hand to facilitate and teach these communication skills. Reach out to schedule a free consultation with a Seattle couples therapist today!