Weathering the Storm: Understanding Common Postpartum Conflicts Among Couples
From an online Seattle, Bellingham and Washington State Postpartum Couples Therapist
Weathering the Storm: Understanding Common Postpartum Conflicts Among Couples
Becoming parents is a monumental milestone that can bring boundless joy, but it also introduces a new set of challenges. The postpartum period, while filled with the sweet moments of baby coos and tiny fingers, is often time of heightened stress for couples. Many conflicts you had before baby can be highlighted after baby, and new types of conflicts often pop up as well. Below are some of the most common postpartum conflicts that many couples face, and our suggestions with how to navigate them.
Sleep Exhaustion: One of the most common postpartum challenges couples deal with is the exhaustion that comes with sleepless nights and around-the-clock caregiving. The lack of sleep can lead to heightened emotions, irritability, and a sense of overwhelm. Because your body has a harder time regulating emotions due to lack of sleep, even couples who used to use conflict skills easily throughout the past can have a hard time being able to access them throughout the fourth trimester. Couples may find themselves arguing over who should handle nighttime feedings or how to manage household chores on minimal rest.
Some ways to navigate this conflict dynamic might be to simply make sure you spend some time discussing how you want to share baby responsibilities before the baby arrives. It’s going to be a lot easier to calmly talk to your partner about your general plan when you have more time, space, and regulation in your body to do so. Additionally, it’s important to try and get as many uninterrupted hours of sleep as possible. The way you do this is going to be a bit different for every couple, but most couples find it easiest to trade off nights of waking up with the baby and allowing the other person to sleep for the night (this is obviously dependant on your feeding schedule as well). Lastly, coming up with a check-in system of emotional and physical fatigue is crucial for couples to support each other throughout the baby’s first year (and beyond). If you don’t know how your partner is feeling, you’re not going to be able to accurately support them in the way they need.
Shifting Roles and Responsibilities: The arrival of a newborn often brings a shift in roles and responsibilities within a relationship. Disagreements may arise as couples grapple with changes in household duties, work commitments, and personal time. Adjusting to the new normal can lead to conflicts about expectations and the division of labour.
Every couple will inevitably have conflict about sharing household responsibilities, and like sleep responsibilities, it’s an important conversation to be having prior to the baby arriving. A great way to talk about household division of labor is to communicate how much energy a certain task takes each of you, and to continually be checking in about your energy reserves and what that tells you about who is doing what chore that day. Consistency of conversation is key when it comes to this conflict! Additionally, make sure each of you are feeling appreciated for your work.
Emotional and Physical Intimacy: Balancing the demands of parenthood can impact a couple's intimacy and connection with each other. Physical and emotional exhaustion may contribute to a decline in romantic or intimate moments, causing a lack of emotional and physical connection.
Maintaining your relationship while dealing with a new baby takes a lot of work! But it’s also important to normalize that this is a season in your life you might not have a lot of time for each other, and to continue reminding your partner that you miss spending that time and having that connection together. Continue prioritizing quality time together, even if it's brief. Simply taking a nap or shower together while the baby is in a safe place you can see them, such as a highchair or pack and play, is a great way to spend time together while taking care of your basic needs. Continue touching each other in affectionate ways and know that your sex life will find its new normal when you’re both ready for it. Communicate openly about desires and concerns regarding physical and emotional intimacy, and be patient with each other as you navigate this new chapter in your relationship.
Financial Strain: The costs associated with raising a child, from diapers to medical expenses, can strain a couple's finances. Disagreements about budgeting, spending priorities, and long-term financial planning may arise. Know that if you have financial trauma in your past, it’s normal for it to get triggered when we enter the expenses of parenthood into the mix.
Most couples find a lot of relief in visiting a fincial counsellor together to help plan for parenthood. Additionally, coming together to develop a realistic budget together, considering the added expenses of parenthood, is key in sharing the financial burden. Regularly revisit your financial plan, and discuss long-term goals to ensure you both feel secure and aligned in your financial decisions.
Lack of Personal Time: The constant demands of parenting can leave little room for personal time, self-care, and time with friends and family. Couples may find themselves bickering over a desire for individual space and time away from parenting responsibilities.
Know that this too is normal, and that because the needs of your baby will change drastically depending on the month, so too will your free time. Schedule dedicated breaks for each partner to recharge, and protect each other’s recharge time. Figure out what activities what does actually recharge you, and make it just a little bit more pleasurable to optimize your recharge time – for example, maybe you only have time to take a shower without the baby, but perhaps you could make it a little fancier with a shower steamer and stay in for an extra five minutes to enjoy it just a little bit more. Create time to recharge with your baby as well, such as calling a friend to catch up while taking the baby for a walk. Support each other in pursuing personal interests or spending time alone. Recognize that self-care is essential for both individuals, and that if you don’t support and create a plan for both of you to get adequate self-care time, you won’t be able to tend to your relationship either.
While the postpartum period undoubtedly presents its challenges, understanding the common sources of conflict and implementing strategies to address them can help couples navigate this transformative time more smoothly. By fostering open communication, flexibility, and mutual support, couples can weather the storm together, emerging from the postpartum phase with a stronger, more resilient relationship. These conversations can be hard to have together, especially if they didn’t feel easy prior to baby’s arrival. Couples counselling can be a great way to navigate these challenges and create a space to have some of these conversations, so that you two can move through the postpartum period feeling connected and supported. Reach out to Paige today for support in having these conversations!